Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Mother's Day Vectoring

While I'll been feeling ill I decided to get it was time to get a wiggle on the next bit on my design to-do list: My Mother's Day present for my mother (obviously). No not next years Mother's Day, I'll never be that organised, Mother's day this year. Yes I know I'm a terrible procrastinator.

Anyway, for some bizarre reason my mother was mildly enamored with the vector work I did for my Degree Exhibition in June, so she wanted a fabulous vector picture of me for her Mother's day present.

I actually hate drawing myself. But seeing as I have no choice, (I could always give her a picture of Debbie and see if she notices!) the picture above is the planned design. A brief history of Kerri Katastrophe. I have one of the pics nearly done, I just need to shade the hair properly and fix a few tones in the skin. Don't be surprised if there's a few pictures missing from the finished design - I have a very short attention span for these things. I'll probably get rid of the first picture of me with red hair - I haaate that picture. It's only in there because my mother loves it.

This Better Not Be Swine Flu Again

• This little piggy went to the market.
• This little piggy stayed home.
• This little piggy had roast beef.
• This little piggy had none.
• And this little piggy coughed and sneezed and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race and every journalist realised that all they had to do was find their old files and change the word "bird" to "swine", and they could still scare the masses. Er, all the way home.

Anyone who follows me on twitter, or is friends with me on any social networking site will have heard me moan about the [swine] flu I had back in July. I refused to accept that it was in fact swine flu, because I'm not that dramatic, but according to two seperate GPs, it was in fact swine flu. With me being a strong young 20-something-year-old, I wasn't given the Tamiflu, I was just told to take it easy. I complained a lot about the horrible pain and agony I was in, because well to be honest I've never had a flu that bad.

Now I'm not normally one to dramatise an illness, and just because I have a cold again doesn't mean it's swine flu again. I get a cold every autumn. However, just to be sure I think I'll give Trashed!'s 5th birthday a miss tonight. When I was sick last time, I gave everybody within a 5 mile radius my flu.

I just remembered I have cod liver oil tablets downstairs. I'm so excited. I'm possibly the only person in the world who likes cod liver oil. I buy vitamins all the time, and then forget to take them. Look where being vitamin-lazy has gotten me?


I was under the impression you couldn't get it twice but according to NHS.uk:

Is it possible to catch swine flu twice?

Yes, because the virus can mutate (change). If you become infected with the swine flu virus, your body produces antibodies against it, which will recognise and fight off the virus if the body ever meets it again. However, if the virus mutates, your immune system may not recognise this different strain and you may become ill again, although you may have some protection from having had a similar virus previously.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Jimmy Choo for H&M

Autumn 09 just got a lot more fashionable. I've just found out that Jimmy Choo will be doing an exclusive collection for selected H&M stores (200 hundred stores to be exact). And you thought the riots were bad when they did the Matthew Williamson collection. The collection will debut on November 14th, and will be showcasing covetable bags and shoes. This is the very first time that Jimmy Choo will be collaborating with H&M, and there will be not only fabulous accessories, but clothes as well. In other good news, there will be a very special men's collection of bags, shoes and accessories.

Tamara Mellon, Founder and President of Jimmy Choo says:

“We are privileged to be among the fashion greats who have been affiliated with H&M so far, and to be designing a collection appealing to fashion savvy, street smart women, and to be including some great pieces for men, too. Jimmy Choo will bring to H&M a sophisticated, fashion forward, accessible and glamorous collection - the perfect party pieces to buy now and then wear out that night!”

Ooh I'm so excited. I hope it comes to Dublin. I also hope there aren't massive queues and riots like there was in 2007 (yes I'm talking about you, Roberto Cavalli). There are some people who really can't help themselves when designers do high street collaborations. I won't be buying anything just for the sake of it, but I will go and have a look.

End Transmission

Transmission: 26.09.09

Last night himself was playing the 11 - 1 slot at The Button Factory's Saturday night indie/electro club Transmission. In an effort to save money, I downed a very large vodka in about 10 seconds before we left the flat. For some bizarre reason I also decided to eat the last slice of the worlds spiciest pizza because the thought of that poor lonely pizza slice sitting alone in the kitchen all night made me sad. Needless to say, I felt a bit ill.

We collected the infamous Ben NoDisko and headed to the Button Factory, only to end up catching the end of a rather rubbish metal gig. Oddly enough, most of the metallers decided to stay to see what AntoNation had to offer. After a few pleasantries with Mr Radiator, myself and Ben positioned ourselves out of the way on stage and started on the free Bulmers. The last 3 times I've been out, I've gone from drinking vodka to drinking cider, and I've been violently ill, but it was either drink cider, or get off stage, go all the way to the bar and pay for a drink. It's not in my freeloading nature to pay for drinks, so I stomached the cider.

I was soon made feel much better by himself cracking out the indie tunes, building up through an excellent few electro hits, and finishing with a pretty epic version of Guns n Roses "Welcome To The Jungle". Legend. I love when people scream and wave when he DJ's. They look like tiny ants from all the way up here on the stage. I jest, I'm not that stuck up, but I do like when people scream when a song they like comes on.

He actually ended up playing til 1.30am, because the guy after him was late. When he'd finished I suddenly felt really tired again, and I felt like I was going to nod off in the green room. I was really tired drinking cider at EP too... note to self: cider makes you tired, drink vodka instead. We left the green room and had a wander around the nightclub, having a look at the next DJ and drinking yet more cider. It was at this point, the 5 year old in me piped up and I just wanted to go home to bed.

Party animal fail. But I'll know to be better rested for The Toxic Avenger on Tuesday.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

David LaChapelle "American Jesus" Exhibition

A m e r i c a n J e s u s

Yay! Today my old roomie Darren (of "we're havin a moment" fame) is coming up to the big smoke for the weekend. In true design student fashion we're gonna go and have a look at the David LaChapelle exhibition. I feel like I owe it to David LaChapelle, when I chose a book on animation over his book last year. I needed the animation book for my thesis, and couldn't afford both.

"Lachapelle, a fine art photographer and director, is renowned for his iconic pop and celebrity images that for over the past two decades have continuously graced the pages of the leading fashion and entertainment magazines such as Vanity Fair, The Face, Rolling Stone, Vogue and Interview. Mixing glamour with surreal and comic fantasy, Lachapelle has created many memorable and striking images of luminaries such as Elizabeth Taylor, Pamela Anderson, Madonna, Elton John, Tupac Shakur and Britney Spears. His directing credits include music videos for artists such as Moby, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez.

Lachapelle’s stage work includes Elton John’s The Red Piano concert which recently ended a five year run at Ceaser’s Palace in Las Vegas and which will be staged at Dublin’s 02 for one night on October 30th."

You can catch "American Jesus" from:

Sept 19th - Oct 21st

Connaught House,
1, Burlington Road,
Dublin 4

Here are a few of my old faves, I can't wait to see what the exhibition has to offer.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Ruby Couture Design Sale (was shite)

It's bad enough that everyone who presents on Xpose is a decrepit old hag, but for them to lie about a sale? Now that's just bad form. The youngest of the hags, Karen Koster, accosted me at The Jameson Film festival earlier this year (I wasn't there socialising, I was carrying a tray of cocktails - keeping it real) when she drunkenly got in my way and nearly toppled over a tray of Mojitos all because she was enamored with my hair. Yes I know it's fabulous, now get out of my way, some of us have glasses to wash.

I've since forgiven her for nearly getting me fired, but this I cannot forgive. She stood in front of the nation and said that there was a huge sale on in The Mansion House in Dublin this weekend, of all the top trends for Autumn/Winter 09, with up to 80% off.

In actual fact it was The Ruby Couture Designer Sale at The Mansion House, bags, shoes, clothes you name it, all massively reduced. What you failed to tell us, Karen Koster, is that is was all last-last-last-season stuff, and a few odd bits from the designer reduced-to-clear bin, all at alright-but-not-really-worth-it prices. You couldn't even call it vintage, or last season. It was all just old manky garbs that no one wants. Think charity shop for billionaires. Anything that was actually near enough to being in season, you could find in the high street. Anything that you could class as vintage, you'd find in your granny's wardrobe.

Don't get me wrong, I love designer stuff, but I want it to be new and unusual. If I can find it on the high street, I'd rather just get it there. I change my style so often there's no point in spending money I don't have. SO give me something different, make it worth the money.

p e o p l e w i l l s t a r e
make it worth their while
-Harry Winston

If however you fancy going to have a look for yourself, it's open all weekend:

Saturday 26th: 10am-6pm
Sunday 27th: 11am-6pm

and it's on in The Mansion House, Dawson Street, Dublin 2.

Most of all, I was incredibly upset by the shoe collection. Never have I seen shoes so badly mistreated. Piles of boxes with shoes randomly placed all around, with paper signs saying the sizes in black marker. Sacrilege. I was so bored I grabbed my Godmother and my Mam and we left. There was a bit of buzz around Dublin tonight for the Culture Night, and a few of the shops were open late.

BT2 had two DJs in the window, and were having a silent disco and free Heineken instore. Fun! Mostly I went in to drop hints of what (bags) I want for Xmas, and when I say hints, I mean "I want that gold PB bag for Xmas". As subtle as a whore's perfume. For some bizarre reason, BT2 was full of chizlers, which I'm putting down to the silent disco, but it put me off and we made an exit. For someone who spends so much of their time online, I never seem to know about these thing until I end up stumbling upon them! Sadly Culture night was tonight, but you didn't miss much, a lot of dancing in the street, and a bit of binge drinking in BT2.

The best part of my whole night was getting a free copy of 'Social & Personal' at The Mansion House.


Himself Is A DJ

I've mentioned the boyfriend before and this week his DJ skillz landed him a spot in HotPress Magazines "UP|FRONT: Hot Clubbing" section. The last time I bought HotPress was in 2008 when one of my own illustrations was published (thank you, David Rooney), and last night I bought my second ever copy to support said boyfriend.

s p i n n i n g i n t h e n a m e o f


...is the driving force behind The Academy's Friday night indie/electro club, NoDisko.

"Together with partner-in-crime Ben, he's thrown awesome after-parties for the likes of Mogwai, The VonBondies, Stereophonics, Red Light Company and The Fratellis, along with all the greatest Irish acts currently making waves. They have even shared the stage (unexpectedly) with the infamous Peaches Geldof, where the pair hosted a packed after-show with Tim Burgess (The Charlatans) on The Academy's main stage.

NoDisko caters to a wide range of musical tastes: from indie classics to flat-out dancefloor bangers. The night recently celebrated it's first birthday and looks well-placed to go from strength to strength in the future."

Top 5 Tunes:

'Gypsy Bum' Lorcan Mak

'Riverside' Sidney Samson

'One More Chance' (Alex Metric mix) Bloc Party

'Little Bit' (AutoErotique mix) Lykke Li

'Waves' Erol Alkan / Boys Noize


Ooh isn't he dreamy. Check out the lovely AntoNation every Friday in The Academy at NoDisko.

NoDisko links:




You can also email the lads for info: nodiskorocks@gmail.com

If friday doesn't suit you, you can also join me on saturday, where AntoNation will be rocking the stage of Transmission in the Button Factory from 11pm-1am.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Vintage stuff, sales, mac and grunge

Today is a big blogging day! I'm so full of excitement and I have loads to write about. Hopefully I'll get everything I need to get done today. So yesterday, after a day of printing and magazines, my godmother gave me 2 tops, one that belonged to my cousin, and one that belonged to my aunt (both RIP). She knows I heart customizing t-shirts atm, and I've never been so excited to get vintage clothes. I like thrifting when there isn't a smell of cabbage following you around, a common problem with most second-hand or vintage shops.

I have the boyfriends leaving party for his old job tonight, and on Saturday I have his gig in Transmission. So I must transform these into something fabulous! Also, I dug out a Clash t-shirt (thaaanks Darren, best housemate ever) that I have yet to customise the bejaysis out of.

I've been cutting up old tshirts for a while now and wearing them with leggings. But atm I'm a bit in love with an indie-grunge style, that kind of incorporates the way I dress now, with the way I dressed when I was 16. I'm gonna go scissor-happy on this stuff and see where it gets me. It's a bit hard to style an outfit when you know most of your stuff is on your best friends bedroom floor. (come back from holidays Debbie!)

Mac 'Style Black' Collection? Yes Please. The last time I wore black lipstick it was for a hip-hop dancing competition in Donegal. I was 13. It didn't work for me then, and I certainly won't be trying it now, but I do love anything that involves a whorish amount of eyeliner. So count me in, Mac. Bang of Pixie Lott off it tho. See?

Myself and an entourage of female relations are heading to the Mansion House tomorrow for the huge sale. I told everyone I want my xmas presents in designer form.

Tonight marks the end of Rock Of Love Bus - sad face. Well I already knew who won, but I wanted to see the other one cry in person. Unfortunately I'll miss the finale because my social life beckons, but to commemorate our viewing, the boyfriend did buy me a seriously naff Poison t-shirt online (take that, random bloke from Reads!) which will be a focal point of my winter wardrobe.

Fall / Winter 09: for Kerri Katastrophe:

• whore eyeliner
• ripped tights
• cut-up t-shirts
• tacky, sparkly things
• lots of lipgloss
• blonde hair
• wavy / messy hair
• naff 80s rock tees
• especially poison tees

• Straightened hair
• hot pants
• bronzer
• doll shoes

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Snap Print Are Wankers

I've always had it in for Snap Print, they've always been a crowd of wankers as far as I'm concerned. With the odd exception of a few choice employees, they've always just been awkward and expensive. When I was in college in Athlone, I always avoided Snap, because there was quite a few printers around, printing dirt cheap for the college students.

Today I ended up in Snap on Dame Street, because I had to print out the finished collage for my godmother. I wouldn't put anyone through the hassle of going in to get something printed, it can be traumatic at the best of times, so I decided I'd do it for her. Off the top of my head, the only place in Dublin I could think of was Snap, so I went there first.

Apparently I'm the first person in Dublin to drop in to get something printed for myself, as opposed to needing a bulk amount. I was promptly informed that not only do Snap not print for us mere individuals (according to incredibly-rude-and-uptight-clerk, Snap only deal with giant businesses), but they do not have the technology, nor the cop on to print just one copy. I told him that yes, Snap do print one copy, as this is not my first time here, and the website encouraged me to just drop in, that they could handle all my printing needs, no matter how small.

Like I said, I'm obviously the first person ever, because he had that confused facial expression that only the staff of Argos seem to be able to pull off. Maybe it has something to do with the failed career choices of both companies. He seemed baffled that an ordinary person would try and print one copy of something, in a digital printers? How bizarre! What was I even doing trying to print something A3? Did I not know that only highly-skilled graphic designers print things at A3? I informed him that I was in fact one of these highly skilled graphic folk, at which point he suddenly got a business hard-on and then started frantically trying to tell me about deals, and started waving a business card in my face. No thank you, Mister Wanker. If you can't print one, how can I trust you to print mass amounts? I'll take my printing business elsewhere.

When the clerk thought I was just an average Joe Soap trying to print summit from teh internet, he advised me to get it printed from an Internet cafe, or (check this out for great advice) print out two A4 pages, and staple them together. Oh Snap, now I remember why I hate you. So off I went to Reads on Nassau Street - not the bookshop, the printers a bit further down - where I haven't been since I was in 6th year of school. Reads was what I imagine a fire in a pet shop would sound like, with all the staff running back and forth shouting various printing terms at each other, ''RGB! PDF! JPG! CMYK!'' I kind of wandered through, clutching my USB key until I found the ''disc printing waiting area'' which seemed like what I was looking for. Eventually I got some help, after being left waiting there for nearly half an hour. What you save in cash at Reads, you pay for in time standing around like a spare part, in everyones way, and a little bit dazed. A member of staff also warned me that there was a renegade wasp, somewhere in the shop - so look out. Well that makes me want to sit down and relax. While I was waiting for my print, I sat myself down between two blokes, both printing flyers.

On the right hand side of me, a baldy bloke in his 40s (maybe 30s, but he looked a bit battered by life) was printing trendy flyers and was proper proud of himself. I had to laugh, he turned to me and said ''wow'', and I was that pissed off at the print industry I snapped ''what?'' at him. He turns to me, and I shit you not, he said ''I'm just so shocked at how beautiful you are.'' All you can say at a time like that is ''er... ok.. thanks.'' I've never been chatted up in a printers before, it's not exactly my idea of romanance. He repeated this several times, seeming shocked, and a little sad, at how gorgeous I apparently am. Not to sound vain, believe me, I was surprised to be found attractive by a stranger in a printers, but listen buddy, if I didn't react the first time, repeating it won't get you anywhere.

It being 1 0'clock in the day, he asked me what I was going to be doing later, and he just had to take me for dinner. I said thank you, again, but no thank you, I have a lovely boyfriend. (who as I was blogging, brought me tea and toast, because I'm poorly with a cold) At which point, Mr Bald proceeded to pry into the boyfriend's life. ''Where is he now? What does he do? Let me take you out and I'll show you how much better I am.'' Well I can tell you I didn't meet my boyfriend in a printers, and he didn't hit me with a cheesy line, and he certainly didn't hassle me into going out with him. (he bought me pick n' mix and played my favourite electro pop in work for me *swoon*) Luckily, my print was done at this point, so I quickly left, only to realise my print was all pixelated, meaning I had to return home and fix it. And I'll have to return to Reads tomorrow to get it printed again. I hope Mr Bald isn't there, he'll probably think it's fate.

In optical news, my monthly contact lenses are blinding me, so I'm wearing my glasses until I can afford to go back to daily's. They may be more expensive, but at least they don't make my eyeballs itch. Pleasant. One of the sereval thousand jobs I've applied for is actually in an opticians, so fingers crossed - discount dailies!

In job news, while I was doing my daily job search, I noticed Hairspray are looking for staff. Dream Job. So I squealed, and applied with gusto. Please, job Gods, give me that job. Amen.

Between my eyeball pain, and an oncoming cold, I've been feeling a bit blerghh today, but I collected the boyfriend from work in Henry Street. Today was the last day I'll be collecting him from there, he starts a new improved position in Swords tomorrow. We did a bit of window shopping in the usual places, then headed home and then he made me mah favourite dinner, burger sandwiches. Yum.

I felt so rubbish I had to go for a nap, but I woke up just in time to catch the football (sarcastic ''woo''). I don't like football, but I like watching himself watch it. He's very funny, he even shouts at the telly. Himself is a football hooligan. Any excuse to look at Stevie G's arse is fine by me, yes I'm a Liverpool supporter by association. I'm the only girl I know who's allowed look at another mans arse, if it means he gets to watch as much football as he likes, and we can watch it together. That's a fine deal in my books.

I'm all happy and full of tea now. I got a good look at Stevie's arse, and the boyfriend seems happy. I'm not sure if we won or not, I was too busy typing. Oops. Anyway, roll on tomorrow, when Hotpress comes out, and the nation gets to see my Mister in all his DJing glory.

Plan for the rest of the night: drink more tea, eat jammy wagon wheels, and watch Rock Of Love Bus.


Edit: We did win said match. Hooray!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hello Monday

Everybody's in work or college except me. I kinda miss college, but I am glad to be finished. Yesterday was amazing, I met the boyfriend in town, we had dinner, we went home and then we snuggled up on the sofa. I'm a big softie really, I was all sad because I hadn't seen him or been home in two days.

The only bad part about yesterday was when I was viciously attacked by a Daddy Long Legs in the bathroom, and I had to smush him with a bar of soap. When the boyfriend found the smushed corpse in the bathroom we agreed that I'd let him handle all future insect and arachnid attacks.

"I'm not afraid of insects or spiders. They're never more then two steps away from a hiding with a rolled-up magazine, probably a copy of MixMag"

Swoon. I do love a man who's not afraid of insects. I'll keep him.

I'm considering heading into town to get that collage printed. In retrospect, I should've really done it when i was already in town this morning, but I was half asleep, and decided to head to my parents house for the day, to see my dog, eat all the food, and do some work in the comfort of my old bedroom.

I have a new favourite website, lookbook. I could spend hours browsing on that. It makes me feel all motivated about clothes and more importantly, design. I've been feeling very optimistic about my work lately, and I feel more confident then I ever have. I've already started on my next design, the vector piece. It's actually taken me much longer then it normally does, maybe I'm being extra picky because it's a picture of myself and not someone else. So I'm being very detailed. Also, because it's for my Mam, it has to be perfect, because even though she's going to find loads of problems with it and not like it, at least if I know it's perfect, and I'm happy with it, then it'll be alright.

Eugh it really looks like it's going to rain. Oh wait I can't go into town anyway, I've no memory stick. Damn it. Fine, town tomorrow. Vectoring today.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

I Thought I'd Never Get This Collage Done

I decided to use a bit of fake tan earlier on, and now I smell like biscuits. After a rather rubbish day yesterday, today was pretty good. I'm still in my parents house, and I spent most of yesterday and today working on the collage I was supposed to have finished for my godmother months ago. I'm pretty sure my Mam's torn a ligament in her knee, or has fluid trapped; she hurt herself at aerobics class and know her right knee is 3 times the size of the left. After a lot of bollocking around with doctors, she went for an x-ray this morning. fingers crossed it's nothing serious.

I got to be the lady of the house today. Bitta cleaning, bitta cooking - sound. My mam couldn't really leave me alone to cook the dinner though, she still thinks if I'm near the oven too long the house will catch fire.

I spent the whole evening with my Godmother, showing her the final collage, and getting the seal of approval. Note to self: when someone asks you to design them something, do it right away. Nobody does procrastination quite like me. Well, above is the final piece - not exactly one for the portfolio but it's what she wanted, and most of all, the person she's framing it for loves it. So now all that's left to do is get it printed and I'm done.

My To-do list:

collage for godmother
• vector of me for my mother
• photo-manip for my father
• business identity for makeup artist
• photoshoot with debbie
• new myspace HTML
• new buzznet layout
• posters for NoDisko
• new bebo skin

I'm all happy tonight. My godmother gave me 100 cigarettes, I've one less thing to do, I've started on my next design, I get to go back to my lovely boyfriend tomorrow, and oh yes, Road Wars is on telly. Saturday night bliss.

Friday, September 18, 2009

To-do lists are shit

My design to-do list is shocking. And because it's all for friends and fambly I'm procrastinating extra hard.

• collage for my godmother

• vector for my mother

• photo-manip for my father

• business identity for makeup artist

• posters for NoDisko

• photos for Debbie

• new myspace HTML

• new buzznet layout

• new bebo skin

However I did get the new "Inspiration Edition" of Computer Arts so I feel all motivated about doing some stuff, but I swear I think I'll never be done with this collage.

I'm also having a hard time concentrating on anything but myself lately because I've piled on weight in the last 6 months and I'm feeling very huffy. I'm all about hula hooping, skipping and jogging at the moment. I pulled my hamstring running on sunday so I was looking for something with a little less impact to do to start off. I've also decided to get my diet on - that's about the fifth time I've said that this week. I don't know about anybody else, but whenever I decide I'm going to cut down on sugary foods, I get an instant craving. Which results in me binge-eating and then feeling all sad. Well at least if I've declared it here on the internet, I feel like I have to do it now.

Around a year and a half ago, I got a program on my laptop that you just put in what you've eaten, and it calculates all the calories etc for you. It also calculates calories burned through exercise. That helped me a lot because it meant that I was keeping track of what I was doing, and I was given a budget of calories, specific to my weight and my height.

After the great Mac death a few months ago, I lost all my data. So I've downloaded it again, and my new budget is 1421 calories a day. And I can already tell you that once I have my dinner, I'll have gone over that by about 800 calories. (Friday night is chipper night here in the Katastrophe house) But at least I've recognised that I need to start loosing weight again - I'm barely in the green zone.

My two priorities now are: 1) get back to designing 2) loose weight and get back in shape.

Once I'm a design icon and a supermodel, I'll look into quitting smoking.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Electric Picnic

"You should at least bring some sandwiches, Kerri"

I got a bit behind on my blogging there trying to finish up the ones about Scotland, oops. This is about September 4th - 6th.

This year was my first electric picnic ever - hooray! Earlier on in the year I spent two days at Oxygen, which should've been enough to put me off the whole idea altogether.

Several reasons why I've never been to a weekend festival:

• I hate being outside

• I hate camping

• I hate rain

• I hate large groups of people

• I hate small groups of people

• I hate anything that involves people standing too close to me

• I hate hippy crap

• I hate big gigs

The boyfriend is pretty much a one-man festival wagon so he bought me a ticket in May and decided that by the time it rolled around, I'd want to go. Wrong. Well, that's not true, I was excited, but a very big part of me was still pretty pissed off that I had to spend a whole weekend combining the things I hate most.

By I came back from Scotland I was actually quite looking forward to it, if not a bit scared. But, himself is a seasoned festival goer so I trusted him to look after me and tend to my every need. (I'm so pleasant sometimes)

We spent most of the week coming up to Electric Picnic sorting out what we needed for the weekend; we decided to book our tent, mats and sleeping bags online so it meant we could just collect them when we got there. Anything to make the weekend go a bit smoother was fine by me. We also went to the camping shop and got some seriously hideous wellies for trudging through the mud.

I was kind of at a loss as to what exactly to pack, so I went on what I learned at Oxygen: Dress warm, have a rain coat, lots of socks and lots of booze. So a packed just that. And in retrospect, I should've taken another few jumpers. By thursday we had sorted out pretty much everything we needed and our bags were packed. All we needed was some beer so we headed off to the local Centra were we proceeded to look like alcoholics. Clearly this was the only Centra in Dublin that didn't know EP was going on, and it was the only one with any drink left in it!

Friday morning we were up and atom, getting a lift from one of the lads we were going to be camping with. After a late start, a few stops and some general getting lost, we made it all the way there without a scratch. Even the incredibly long walk to the camp site couldn't bring me down because I was all smug with myself that I was going to prove I could last a whole weekend doing things I hate. I've never laughed so hard as I did when I came back from the portaloo to see that my boyfriend had put the tent up all by himself. Luckily, it was a pop-up tent, so I didn't have to help put it up, but I swear my dog's kennel is bigger then that tent was. The tent was about 5 foot in length, once our bags were inside, and neither of us could sit up in it. But I wasn't going to complain - it wasn't raining and we had somewhere to live, so I was happy.

If, like me, you're a bit iffy about festivals, then one thing you must always remember to bring is toilet roll. Really. Portaloos are the single most disgusting place in the planet, and the only thing that makes them bearable is if you can clean up before you have to go. I wont go into any more detail then that, but do remember toilet roll. And hand sanitizer.

After we'd set up camp, we got some food - festival food freaks me out so I played it safe and got a roll - and headed on into the actual festival. I have to say, it was pretty amazing. Once you get rid of the thousands of food stalls, it's actually pretty cool there. There was loads of fun, random stuff to do. And also, I got to see lots of DJs I wanted to see, so that was a plus.

I think it's a sign that I enjoyed myself because I didn't find time to take a single picture. Also, my memory is a little fuzzy because I drank my own weight in cider. Another must in enjoying a festival. I will probably go to EP again, the fact that it didn't rain all weekend is a very big plus, and there was just a nice buzz in spending the weekend with other people who are in the same boat. Besides the crappy tent, the portaloos, and some seriously dodgy plain-clothes coppers hassling me, I had a whopper weekend.

Hello Scotland - day 4

Day 4: Planes, Trains and Fluff

I hate checkout time. I woke up to the horrible sound of my alarm and peeled a squashed McMuffin off my face. We were like two octogenarians packing up our stuff in silence, nursing our hangovers. We headed to the train station and stocked up on Vitamin Water and snacks for the journey. After nearly missing our train, we were Glasgow-bound for our last day in Scotland.

The first thing we did when we arrived was head to the nearest Starbucks. Once we were full of coffee goodness, we headed off to do a bit of shopping. For some reason, my bag seemed much heavier coming back then it did going over, so we stopped off to dump it in a locker at the next train station we saw, Queen St Station. Wandering around Glasgow is a lot more fun when you're not dragging twice your own weight behind you.

Neil Buchanan is my hero

There was a huge building beside Queen St Station with "Buchanan" written across the top of it, at which point we both screamed "ART ATTACK!" and pointed. (Neil Buchanan presented Art Attack, in case you're wondering) After a lengthy discussion about Art Attack we found yet another Candy Shop (cue singing) and popped in for a look. This particular Candy Shop pawned all the others because this is where we found "Fluff", (and yet no Honey Bears, sad face) for our friend Marie. We screamed so loud people actually left the shop. This is where I bought the world's most painfully sour cherry sweets; so sour we had to sit down on the nearest bench to recover.

While we were recovering from the cheek-numbing sour balls, we realised we'd accidentally sat court side to some action. Some junkie was unconscious outside H&M and there was a crowd of coppers and paramedics around her trying to wake her. Suddenly the street was filled with coffin-dodgers trying to rubber-neck on the action. The second an ambulance showed up the junkie sprang to her feet and ran away. Brilliant.

"You've got a tongue like leather"

After we'd fully recovered from the sour balls we headed into Glasgows answer to the "Irish Life Mall", which was full of shops where you could exchange old jewellry for cash, and one tattoo and piercing place. Cha ching! I got my tongue pierced for a second time and nearly passed out - hardcore, I know. The piercer also told me I had a tongue thicker then leather. Wonderful. Glasgow, although it has a lot more shops then Edinburgh, is full of knacker hang-outs - for example the "£1 emporium". Not your average pound shop, oh no. This place was like a warehouse, which sold everything from pregnancy tests to "Hoes Red Cabbage". Every shelf was covered in signs saying "£1", at the end of every aisle there was a sandwich board saying "£1", there were giant signs hanging from the ceiling with giant "£1's" painted on them. And yet, as we were leaving, I heard some old man shout "how much is this??" at a shop assistant.

The last shop we visited was of course, a Candy Shop, where I nearly fell over a box of candy canes trying to avoid a bloke who turned out not to be my ex, but I gave him a good glaring at anyway. It was at this point we realised we were flat broke and dipped into Debbie's bank account before getting the train to the airport.

"I had those jeans..... when I was 16"

I hate falling asleep on any kind of public transport because I'm terrified I'll be mugged, and I snore like a walrus. Sexy. Unfortunately my hangover got the better of me and I fell asleep, and was rudely awoken by Debbie pressing my nose like a button. Once we got to the airport we headed to Starbucks for some food before we went through. I gummed down some fruit because my tongue was all swollen and Debbie went to town on a panini - once she'd picked off all the olives. I don't think we actually spoke the whole time we were waiting for our flight, we just vegged out on chairs munching on crisps and reading magazines. I think I fell asleep again.

Finally it was time for the worlds most drawn out boarding - it felt like they were letting one person on at a time, and we were last. When we did eventually get moving, some rude woman wearing a pair of jeans I had when I was 16 (stylish! not.) decided she didn't like the look of me and hawked me out of it as we inched along on our way to the plane. She's lucky I was once again dragging twice my own body weight behind me, because I was in no mood.

We were really sad to leave Scotland, because we'd had such a fun holiday, but we were both seriously happy to be going home to our own beds. And I was dying to see my Monkey. Plus my holidays were only starting, I had Electric Picnic to look forward to at the end of the week.

Hello Scotland - day 3

Day 3: Lie-ins, Faith No More and Polygrip

The third day was our first chance for a proper lie in, and we made the best of it. We were rudely awoken by some bloke trying to clean to room around 1 o'clock, and we just shouted "NO!" at him and did a swatting style gesture until he went away. We fell back asleep for a while until we felt well enough to drag ourselves out of bed to find some food.

We headed back to the Black Rose where we nearly fell asleep waiting for our food, it took so long. I also hollered at a fat man wearing a Faith No More t-shirt, to inform him that my boyfriend was at their gig in Dublin. Needless to say, he didn't care. After we were fed and watered we headed out for a spot of shopping, and bought some of the most amazeballs shoes I've ever seen in my life (which I still can't walk in. sad face.) I heart hooker shoes. I buy most of my shoes from shops that look like only strippers and porn stars shop there. If strippers can dance in such painful shoes, then why can't I walk in them? There must be some sort of trick.

"You alright for Polygrip?"

For some reason, Debbie made me go into the Early Learning Centre and compare the prices between the one she works in, and the one in Edinburgh. Snore. After about 30 seconds the smell of baby powder and that horrid milky dribble smell got to me and I threw a tantrum until she let me leave. Success. We popped into Superdrug again and I bought my own weight in lipglosses and I considered getting a Ped-Egg. I swear that thing followed me around for the whole trip. Everywhere we went, there were ads for that damned Ped-Egg. I made Debbie cackle when we were at the till and the bloke asked us did we have everything we needed. I said "I think so... don't think we've forgotten anything. Debbie? You alright for Polygrip?" (pointing to the display of Polygrip at the counter. The cashier bloke didn't find it very funny, but fxck him. We bought some more random mixers and headed back to the hotel to get ready for Enter Shikari. Back to the HMV Picture House we went, thankfully this time I felt fine.

For some reason, Enter Shikari fans have a penchant for throwing glasses of water over each other. Also, they enjoy throwing up everywhere and loosing shoes. I only know one Enter Shikari song which is "Mothership" (I didn't say I like it, mind) which they played that so I felt included. I can't really comment much on the actual gig because I think they're a bit shite anyway, so it's hard to tell if they played well. Neither of us were arsed staying for the encore and Debbie demanded we go to McDonalds before we went drinking. We decided to head to The Hive straight after the gig, a place that was recommended to us by the barstaff at Opium. It wasn't open yet when we got there, so we just headed back to Opium and once again proceeded to get bladdered. Our drink of choice was Vodka, Cherry Sourz and Lemonade. Needless to say my memory of the third day is patchy at best.

As it was our last day we made plenty of random friends, including a group of random Chinese business men. Debbie made a special "Opium Friend" who hung around like a bad smell until he was booted out for being off his face. Pleasant. We stayed in Opium til the death (5am) and staggered to MacDonalds for breakfast. No one is a bigger fan of Egg McMuffins then Debbie, so she was in her element when she found out they were serving breakfast. We munched on our eggy bacony goodness as we wobbled our way home, cackling at the week we'd had. We got back to the hotel and passed out, half-eaten McMuffins in hand.

Hello Scotland - day 2

Day 2: Rock and Roll and Gimp Masks

You can never have too many phone charms!

They built this city on Rock and Roll

I wanna..... I wanna.... I wanna be Trash ♥

Rat-arsed in Opium

g e t a m o v e o n

We had a plan B hotel, The Ballintrae, which was alright, if not a bit 70s. It was a striped wallpaper wet dream. We got a room for the next two nights, so we dumped our bags while our room was being prepared and headed out for some lunch. This is were Debbie and I differ; I'm big into sandwiches and lunch in general, there's not a lot of sandwiches I wont eat, but I'm a very picky eater when it comes to dinner time. Debbie however eats either tuna, or cheese. And woe betide anyone who puts mayonnaise near her food. Mayonnaise was the holiday villain this year, everywhere we went we ended up doing a very dramatic "no mayonnaise" gesture, the kind you do when you're on holiday in a country where they don't speak english, and you feel compelled to shout at them in broken sentences while doing semi-threatening gestures to describe what you want.

We traipsed around the street our hotel was on, and up towards Princes Street until we finally agreed on where to eat: a cafe covered in festival posters that sold the worlds most expensive sandwiches. Bastards. We headed over towards the 'alternative' side of Edinburgh to do some shopping and on the way we found a sweet shop called ''The Candy Shop".(cue impromptu singing of Fiddy Cent's 'candy shop' before an in-dept discussion about what flavour 'Formula 50', his flavour of Vitamin Water, would be.) I think this was probably one of my favourite shops of the whole trip. We bought some chocolate and headed on to the cutest shop were we bought waaay too many phone charms. (note: phone charms prevent crazy old men robbing your phone)

The next shop up was a shop called "Pie In The Sky", which is where I would do all my clothes shopping if I lived in Edinburgh. I suddenly got the urge to buy a latex dress when I went into this shop, an urge that has yet to die I might add. The shop sold some seriously amazing (yet horribly over-priced) clothes and jewellery - which is where I got my new favourite things, my giant diamond and my 'Trash' clip. I was on a bit of a latex buzz for some reason, so we headed to the nearest fetish shop (as one does) to stock up. That was about the time that I lost all interest in buying a latex dress in Edinburgh and we decided to head on to the street festival, sans latex.


Having spent most of our day wandering around the finest adult stores Edinburgh has to offer, we stopped for some yummy frappachinos while we thought about what to do next. We sat down on some steps in the middle of the street festival (I mean in the middle of it going on, not blocking it or anything) and were promptly attacked by some seriously gammy pigeons. The Scottish pigeons are a lot more resilient then the Irish ones, you can't just swat them away, you need to give em a good boot up the hole in order to send them packing, and even then they'll come back. Not one for flying rats, Debbie was on her last nerve with the Zombie-like pigeons of Edinburgh and we moved on to have a look at the rest of the street festival. If you've never been in Edinburgh during festival season, then essentially it's just thousands of tourists being ambushed by performers trying to get them to come to see whatever show they're part of. There's face painting and dancing etc etc. The first thing we saw were some amazeballs dancers rocking out to the best of the 80's. Anything 80's is cool with me so I was in my element. The last song they danced to was "We Built This City On Rock And Roll" so of course we sang it the whole day. We got stopped by a man dressed as a dragon holding a chihuahua, I don't know what his act was, what he was selling or even what his name was. The point is, he had a chihuahua. Cute. (sidenote: My boyfriend wont let me get a chihuahua because he's convinced he'll sit on it and squash it)

"Courvoisier?..... as in.. "Pass the..?"

After we had our fill of the street festival, we started searching for a supermarket to get some vodka and snacks for later. We'd learned our lesson from last year, when we walked for over an hour to find an off license, so we asked a friendly bus driver where to go. She pointed us in the direction of Sainsburys, where we found 'Sainsbury's Brand Courvoisier'. I actually snorted when I saw that. I called over to Debbie and told her I'd found Courvoisier, she shouts back "Courvoisier?..... as in.. "Pass the..?" Besides stocking up on booze and snacks, we were on a neverending quest for Cheese Moments and honey in a bear-shaped bottle. Unfortunately we never did find the latter. The former we found in Glasgow on the last day. Success. We stocked up on a variety of fizzy drinks, grabbed some vodka and headed to The Black Rose Cafe for some dinner. Edinburgh is littered with random tiny metal bars in the most random places. This particular one is across from BHS (British Home Stores if you didn't know). Bang of my childhood of BHS as it goes.

"I think this might actually be a gimp mask..."

After walking around for two days and going to a gig, we decided to pamper ourselves a bit and some stuff from Superdrug. We stocked up on all the girly essentials and got some face masks and headed back to the hotel to get all dolled up for a night on the tiles. Doing face masks still makes me laugh. No matter how many of them you do, you still look like a twat with gunk all over your face. This particular face mask however was more like an orange-scented gimp mask. It had holes cut out for the eyes and mouth and had oranges drawn all over it. sexy. Debbie cackled when I put it on. We got our old skool beauty on with teabags on our eyes and had a lie down while watching / listening to Hollyoaks. No one can say I don't lead a glamorous and extravagant lifestyle. After we washed of the gimp masks we started getting dolled up, and all of a sudden there was a very angry knock on the door. The people in the room next to us were complaining that the fan in the room was too loud. I'm sorry the gentle hum of the ceiling fan is keeping you from going to bed at 10pm, but fxck off and come back when you have a real complaint. Needless to say we left said fan on. Also we started to whack out a few Adam Freeland tunes when they left.

o p i u m

We had originally planned to go and see "Dinosaur Pile Up" but we weren't really that bothered to be honest. Instead, we opted to head to our old watering hole, Opium for some cheap drinks. And when I say cheap, I mean £1. We headed upstairs to the booths / dancefloor and proceeded to get absolutely rat-arsed. Feeling like I was entering a sugar-coma after all the Cherry VKs, we switched onto Vodka and lemonade at which point we proceeded to table-dance to Nine Inch Nails and then a very tattooed barman dared us to dance with a crazy man (I later found out he was called Harry) who had some serious moves for a crazy old man. We agreed we would only dance if he put on "Beast And The Harlot" by Avenged Sevenfold. He dashed off and put it on straight away. Balls. A dare is a dare so we headed straight for the dancefloor, followed closely by about 15 blokes who just stood around in a circle. I'm putting that down to the fact that Debbie was wearing hotpants. I gestured to the old man to come over and dance with us, as per our agreement with the tattooed barman. He charged at me and pinned me against the wall. It was the single most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me on a dancefloor. He then charged at Debbie, and then at us both. We darted off the dancefloor when the song ended and held each other hoping he'd go away. *shudder* After he left we got up and danced a few more times, and thankfully more girls showed up and the dancefloor felt less like a stage.

During one of my smoke breaks I made friends with two girls who informed me that a great place to go in Edinburgh is Cabaret Voltaire. We headed there pretty much straight away and it turned out to be an absolute sweatbox. The kind of place where condensation drips from the ceiling. Lovely. We only stayed for one drink, and the whole time we hassled some bloke who refused to give us his cardigan. How rude of him. We headed back to Opium and kept on dancing and drinking until our poor feet could take no more. We headed back to the hotel and passed out on top of all our stuff.